Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
Hi. I just got here, so, yeah. To the about 7-ish people who will see this, criticism will be welcome. I'm posting it here to give me an excuse to take a long time to write it. (Made the mistake of not writing more than 1 chapter before posting a DBZ one) Anyways, it's about my character, Clock-Watch. He's a lawyer and stuff, so, ENSUE CORNERED THEME!
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
Chapter 0: Revival of the Broken Automaton! Prologue to Turnabout!
In a subterranean laboratory, a robot was being built. It had a single purpose: Defend The Lawrencium Arbitrary of Worlds, The L.A.W. for short. It was a device of utmost secrecy, allowing the wielder to break the boundaries between dimensions themselves! Built by a secretive section of G.U.N., it was intended to patch up the GR-D incident, by sealing the evidence in another reality. The incident was never spoken of, so it is unknown what happened, but if news of it got out, G.U.N. would be finished.
They needed someone to operate and protect the device, however. Someone that would never reveal anything about it, and never slip up. A robot was the obvious choice. But if people saw a robot carrying materials for G.U.N., or carrying anything, for that matter, they might investigate. And as said, this was a massive failure for G.U.N., so they wanted to keep the event under wraps. Permanently. So they wanted the robot to at least appear like a normal Mobian.
So they put their best scientist to the job, a rabbit by the name of Ken. Soon, the automaton was complete. By the time he finished, the android was the size of a normal hedgehog, its bronze clockwork interior hidden by vibrant red fur. Sure, a few gears poked out here and there, but it was no big deal. He could keep his identity a secret with a coat or something. Until Ken realized his creation had a flaw. Something in his internal power core was out of place. Whatever it was, it changed the robot. The reliability of this machine to follow orders would be unlikely. Not even the best scientists could not understand what went wrong. Even with all that work, Ken found no choice but to discard his creation.
“You are inferior.” Its creator said. “I have failed with you. I must try again.” The man picked up the parts and loaded them into a cannon. “Perhaps you will be a nice toy for some thief, or a common child. Farewell, useless being!” With that, he fired it, sending the pile of bronze, fur, and something he could not yet grasp far away...
The machination should have broken apart on impact, but something kept it going. That spark, that small something inside it. Whatever it was, the clockwork hedgehog refused to die. It had a will to live, of some sort. And it was determined to fulfill its objective, no matter what. It would defend The Law, and nothing would stop it. But its memory was incomplete, so it did not know quite what the law was.
It awoke in a scrapyard. Its metal was rusting, and its artificial fur was tattered. Over the next couple of weeks, it rebuilt itself. From the tattered scraps, the android vowed to rise from its ashes and fulfill that mission. But it did not know what it was, where it came from. The time spent rebuilding itself would never be remembered.
Eventually it would name itself Clock-Watch, and considered itself as male. He spent years studying up on law, and felt that he was ready. He then joined a law firm, ready to finally fulfill his destiny.
Ignorant of its origins, the automaton set off to protect The Law.
“Here goes nothing...” Clock-Watch said, walking into court.
Well, here I go. I'll try and update whenever.
Last edited by Timesmashaperil on Sun May 10, 2015 4:04 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : Updated and more detailed of a prologue.)
Smash Corliss Champion Of The Blitz
Number of posts : 4055 Age : 32 Birthday : 1992-07-31 Registration date : 2008-10-28 Location : Regnum Solis Favorite Sonic Character : Knuckles
&Knuckles
Character sheet Name: Smash The Echidna Level: 120 HP (Health Points): (217/18001)
Subject: Re: Clockwork Hedgehog: Redirected Trial Sat May 09, 2015 2:26 pm
First of all, definite kudos for going for Smooth McGroove.
As for the story itself, I feel it's rather rushed. It went too fast to get to the main point (which has not even been written yet,) so I'm left a little bit puzzled. You should take the time to explain the setting, the Lawrencium Arbitrary of Worlds (especially), the creator and his laboratory, and most importantly, what on earth this robot is--or even looks like. When it was fired through the cannon, you said it was a pile of bronze, fur, and something else? The robot has fur??
And then there's a sudden time-skip.
so yeah, a lot of detail is needed. It is ESPECIALLY important to describe your setting in the beginning of the story, so that the reader can have a semblance of an idea of what they're reading. The only reason I knew it was even Sonic related was due to the mention of G.U.N.
With that said, Good luck.
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
Subject: Re: Clockwork Hedgehog: Redirected Trial Sat May 09, 2015 2:34 pm
Thank you for the criticism. It's always appreciated. I plan on describing him in depth soon. The backstory will also be explored at some point, as well.
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
Subject: Re: Clockwork Hedgehog: Redirected Trial Sat May 09, 2015 5:39 pm
There we go. I've updated the prologue somewhat. I might add some more detail later, but for now I'm moving to chapter 1.
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
Subject: Re: Clockwork Hedgehog: Redirected Trial Sun May 10, 2015 5:32 pm
No, this is not the whole chapter. I will update it as I write it. Suggestions are welcome, and in fact encouraged, even when I'm mid chapter. I hope that PW fans will like the subtle references!
Chapter 1: The Turnabout Begins
Clock-Watch got into his seat. He seemed unsure in this new environment, with the jury, judge, and simple the feel of the room. But he was alert. His stance was not unlike that of a martial artist, ready to strike upon seeing an opening.
The prosecutor, a blue fox named Steven Smith, got into his chair as well. He seemed to have much more experience than Clock-Watch, who was only on his first trial.
Next to Clock-Watch sat his client, a cat gang leader named Barry Lutz. Barry was nervous, he was almost sure that he'd be announced guilty.
“Is the defense ready?” Asked the judge.
“I am prepared to prove my client's innocence, Your Honor!” Clock-Watch declared.
“The prosecution is also ready, Your Honor.” Mr. Smith replied.
“Then let the trial of Mr. Barry Lutz begin!” The judge banged his gavel, and the court fell silent. “Mr. Lutz has been accused of murder in the first degree. How does he plead to these accusations?”
“Not guilty, Your Honor!” The hedgehog responded.
“Okay. Mr. Smith, please give the court your opening statement.” The judge told him.
“Thank you, Your Honor.” Said the fox. He pulled out a diagram of an alleyway. “This was where the murder took place. Mr. Lutz picked up this bottle here,” he continued, showing the court the fragments of the bottle. “smashed it over her head, and then stabbed the victim, a cat by the name of Marie Connors with the shards! Now, as my first witness, I would like to call Mr. Barry Lutz to the stand!”
Barry walked to the witness stand.
“Mr. Lutz,” said Steven. “you knew Ms. Connors, correct?”
“Um, yeah.” Barry replied.
“You wished for her to join your gang, The Tabbed Cats, correct?” The fox asked him.
“Yeah, but she declined. I got kinda upset, y'know? I mean, bro. You date some chick for like, 2 years, you expect her to agree with you, right?” Barry told him.
“And in your anger, you killed her!” Steven said. “The killer has a clear motive!”
“Excuse me, Your Honor, but the prosecution has no proof that Mr. Lutz killed Ms. Marie Connors! He should refrain from making such accusations until he gives sufficient proof!” Clock-Watch objected.
The judge banged his gavel. “Agreed. Does the prosecution have any evidence?”
“Yes, Your Honor.” Steven responded. “I would like to call my next witness to the stand, a dog by the name of Georgia Beather!”
She walked up to the stand.
“Miss Beather, you witnessed the crime happen, correct?” Smith asked.
“Yes, yes I did!” Georgia replied.
“Please deliver your testimony, then.” Smith told her.
Last edited by Timesmashaperil on Mon May 11, 2015 4:11 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Continuing chapter 1/ fixing errors)
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
“So, I'm just walking around, right? But all of a sudden, I hear this scream! I look in that alleyway, and I see some dude attacking a girl! She leaped to the right and dodged one of his attacks, but he caught her and hit her over the head! Then he stabbed her in the chest, and she stopped moving. So I immediately called the police, and they arrested him!” Georgia told the court.
“This seems to be decisive evidence here.” The judge said. “A solid testimony and blood of the victim found on the accused, along with fragments of the bottle.” He turned to Clock-Watch. “You can still do your cross-examination, if you like.”
“I would be glad to, Your Honor!” Clock-Watch responded.
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
“Miss Beather, why were you walking in that part of town, anyways? Isn't it where most of the gangs hang out?” Clock-Watch questioned her.
“I was, uh... Going to see a good friend.” Georgia replied.
“Why were you meeting in that part of town, though? It's still a strange place.” Clock-Watch said.
“Your Honor, this is irrelevant to the case!” Steven told the judge.
“Sustained.” He said. “Mr. Watch, please get on topic.”
'But all of a sudden, I hear this scream! I look in that alleyway, and I see some dude attacking a girl! She leaped to the right and dodged one of his attacks, but he caught her and hit her over the head!'
“Miss Beather, she 'leaped to the right'?” Clock-Watch asked.
“Yes, but it wasn't enough to escape!” She responded.
“Your Honor, this testimony has a glaring flaw!” He objected.
“Hm? What's that?” The judge queried.
“There is no way that the witness could have seen what she saw!” Clock-Watch replied.
“Oh yeah?” Georgia said. “Prove it, then!”
Clock-Watch presented the diagram of the murder scene. “The murder took place in an alleyway! There was no room to leap to the left!”
“GAH!” Steven gasped.
“Miss Beather, how do you explain this?” The judge asked her.
“Um, er... I meant... Uh...” She stammered. “Can I testify again?”
“Yes.” The judge replied. “But please, don't leave anything out this time.”
Last edited by Timesmashaperil on Tue May 12, 2015 5:04 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Updating/More Detail)
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
'Sorry about the mistake from before. She wasn't in the alleyway when she dodged the attack. He tried to hit her, and she leaped to the left, into the alley. He followed, and the rest happened as I just said it did. There. Are you happy now?'
“So there.” Said the judge. “Are you pleased with the testimony now?”
“Heck no!” Clock-Watch blurted out.
“Wha-!?” Steven shouted, taken aback.
“Why would anyone jump into a dead end? Strange behavior, if you ask me!” Clock-Watch told him.
“Hmph.” Steven groaned. “If you can't prove it, you have no case! Do you have proof that your client was not the killer?”
“Eh... No.” Clock-Watch said, defeated.
“Well then.” The judge spoke to the court. “I'm afraid that without any proof otherwise, the court finds the defendant, Mr. Barry Lutz, G-”
“WAIT A MINUTE!” An unknown voice shouted.
“What!?” Steven said, shocked.
“Sorry. I must introduce myself. I'm Barry's sister, Larima Lutz.” Larima told the court. “There is a piece of vital information that was withheld!”
“WHAT!?” Steven, Clock-Watch, and the judge simultaneously gasped.
“This!” She declared, holding up a letter.
“What is that?” Steven asked her.
“It's a letter that links the witness to the defendant! It is a breakup letter!” She announced.
“Well, maybe I was going to see him...” Georgia said. “That might have been why I went that way.”
“Aha!” Clock-Watch said. “So, you must deliver an updated testimony!”
Last edited by Timesmashaperil on Wed May 13, 2015 11:17 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Updates, adding on.)
Timesmashaperil Member
Number of posts : 83 Age : 1023 Birthday : 1001-04-30 Registration date : 2015-05-07 Location : Camp Miiverse (true horror) Favorite Sonic Character : Eggman from Sonic Boom (The TV Show). He's just too funny!
Character sheet Name: Clock-Watch The Mobian Level: 17 HP (Health Points): (2600/2600)
'So, yeah. I was going to see Barry, 'cause of that breakup letter. So I went downtown, heard the scream, and saw what I saw, okay!? I don't think I'll try again with him, though. He killed a perfectly FINE girl, not to mention an expensive bottle of Pinot Grigio. There's my stupid testimony, okay!? Can I go home now?'
The judge sighed. “Okay, Clock-Watch, hurry with your cross examination.”
“Okay, Your Honor.” Clock-Watch replied. ''Darn!'' He thought. ''I can't see a single contradiction!''
Clock-Watch might not see it, but I think you'll find that the contradiction is as clear as day.
